Murdoc Niccals and the Seven Deadly Sins
by Pine Tree Horizon
Summary: Drenched in irony, Murdoc tramples through his dismal days committing sin after sin. This is humourous and rated for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

1, Pride

"I am the best and don't you forget that," Murdoc ragged on as the front car door cracked open. The alarm went off for the third time. Nosy glances glared at the windows suspiciously coated in condensation. The windshield wiper played their steady rhythm.

"Dullard, buckle your damn bet!" Murdoc dictated.

Facing the backseat, his eyes flickered with flames.

"_What_ are you doing?"

"The cars' beeping 'cause you need to shut the door before you drive," Russell grumbled. He sat with his arms crossed. Ennui creased his face as he rolled his eyes. "2d, forget it. It broke."

"But this banjo is so delicate…"

"What did you just say" Murdoc smirked. "Talk like a man, the least you could do around this place to be worth my precious time."

"Zip it, you," Noodle muttered. 'Drive! Drive! Aya, drive!"

"This is my jeep and I'm proud of it, so you better treat it with dignity," Murdoc boomed and threw his empty vodka can out the window. "Take that, you marshmallow Americans!"

"You need mental help," 2d answered for the pedestrians outside doing exactly what he'd wish he'd be doing concurrently - minding their own businesses. Instead, jalapeños grilled hot in his cheeks.

"I'm not the one unaware of a car jarring right for my head, ey mate?"

"This again?"

In relief, Murdoc's jeep trampled along the yellow blades of grass. Russell suggested about five times that he drive into the parking lot. He was to 'proud' to do that.

"These marshmallows want a bass slayer, they got to have dignity. Oh and yes I'm proud!"

"Muurdoc, sit your bottom down before you start a wreck," Russell said flatly.

"You spoil the bloody fun out of everything. Give me the sodden banjo, face-flipping-pancake!"

The engine wheezed and withered away. A towering green bin towered over their heads. Murdoc's grin slid to the ground and laced his shoes. The next moment, he dropped and cried- this meet was a joke.


	2. Chapter 2

2. Envy

"I'll have a lover one of these days, one who proceeds and drops to their feet-"

"To be under yours," 2d interrupted. He was carrying a load of boxes into the storage room. "What is in all of these again? Rocks?"

"No, knuckleheads," He hissed in a sharp tongue. 2d gave him a funny look. "It's a recording system so I can get rid of ye!" With that, a blanket of darkness slapped him in the face.

Murdoc only heard a groan and rolled his eyes in satisfaction.

"I will have a voice like that, a voice so elegant for clumsy oofs like Burpbrain butterscotch here…"

"What?" 2ds' muffled voice craned through the storage room crack.

"Murdoc, it's four o' clock in the morning," Noodled called out. "Go to bed!"

"Say it in Japanese, girly."

A pause filtered the carbon dioxide exiting Murdocs' vocal cords. The path drew him into her room. She nearly pounced under her covers and a book came soaring out. It missed and he leapt behind the door

"What was that?"

"For your selfish donkey behind!"

_I want her tone, I want her gender_, Murdoc thought, _I want to slap a girl, jut be one once._

Murdoc decided he was thirsty and left Noodle to an open-chest door. He kicked the book all the way to his bubbling destination, vodka Springs. He popped the lid coolly and made a face when it stuck stubbornly to the can..

"Acting a fool?" Russell asked behind him, all tired and stingy. "Oy, is that my shaving cream?"

"This is shaving cream?" Instead of growing a fit, Murdoc envied it and examined.

"Fool," Russell sputtered.

"Why can't I be a normal man with a normal life?" Murdoc boomed and raised his hands in the air. Again, a blanket of darkness slapped Murdoc in the face.


	3. Chapter 3

3. Gluttony

He drank all night. He drank when disturbed or when in denial He drank the very smoke that fled from 2ds' mouth. Neither f them could quit, but the matter was with who was sober.

Murdoc was never happy when sober.

His steel-studded boot kicked a dent into the wall.

"We need a saloon, tequilas, mucha!" he blurted, dumfounded. "You got it lard? It's my dealer."

"If we got some, we aint got it here," Russell mumbled, chipping the skin of a potato with a Swiss army knife.

"Can I have one of those skins?" 2d asked, reaching his long arm across the table.

"For cigarette butts?" he asked. "Your eyes are blistered enough."

"I like the texture on my tongue, it feels like teeth."

"The one I popped out of your mouth?" Murdoc piped up. "Yeah, I did. He he…"

The scraping of the knife continued. Murdoc had a ridiculous idea.

"Fork the skins over here," he told Russell. He got a blank 'no' in response.

"Do you know what is good for you? Do you, lards?"

"You don't. I saw the marijuana."

"It's illegal in the states, not here."

"Don't kill yourself," 2d cried with a mouthful of paper sliding under his tongue. He spit it into a ashtray like orange pepto bismol.

"Disgusting," Murdoc admitted. "I'm walking for a cocktail down in Dublin."

"That far a walk?"

"Who's money you going to steal? Russell added. Murdoc grinned evilly and asked where noodle was.

"_No_," Russell and 2d echoed the kitchen.

"Where is she before o shave your five-o' clock shadow," Murdoc sputtered, slapping 2d on the head.

"I don't have- she's- wait, you can't…" 2d stuttered.

Murdoc already cracked the door open that said "Privacy, no boys allowed." He snatched her Japanese-woven wallet and punched the front door open. Merrily, hysterically, he sprinted down the street like a toddler running from an avalanche


	4. Chapter 4

4. Lust (Oh Yeah)

"Push it."

"Like it oral, baby, yea."

"Who the damn f* do you think you are?"

"Daniel, get away from that man!"

"Murdoc, what are you doing?" Asked 2d as he turned the lights on, revealing Murdocs' party of girls through the window outside. Something was aimed toward his face, but the objectile only bounced off the glass.

"Your scaring those zombie kids over there," He stated abundently.

"Turn the bloody ights off and shut the window, dullard! Your burning our eyes!"

"Wait, the police are coming around the corner! We need you!"

"What the blood frik! Get off me, slut!" He shoved a mexican in trance off his bed and slid his pants on. "Wow, dullard really has to ruin it?"

"Sorry…" Now 2d ran into Kong.


	5. Chapter 5

5. Anger

Murdoc leapt through a book of curses fit for a sailor. He also spread different shades of color onto his own skin and 2ds'.

"You're such a dink-head, ye' know? Of course you don't, don't cry, you stupid coward!"

He chased 2d down the hall.

Kettles banged the floor and disturbed Russell and Noodles' sleep.

Noodle mumbled something misunderstood, but Russell lied and told Murdoc his bass was on fire.

"Bloody friken ache taking his bloody damn no-good pills!" The sound of his door slammed like the pop of a gun.

Happy Thanksgiving, Eid, Hannakuh, and Christmas!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: Greed

"What the flipping hell is this shit?" Murdoc nagged his fork on the table which startled Noodle.

"It's pasta. Now stuff your hole or I'll stuff up the other one."

"Well where can I find some more?"

"Buy some," 2d suggested at the sink.

"Shut up, crotch-lips," Murfdoc muttered and kicked his feet onto the table. Noodle nearly turned green and punched him in the toe. "Ow, girl, that's my cornea."

"Dude, et your facts straight," 2d said and snickered.

"Get your pants straight. You wear shorts so tiny that a girl would grow if they breathed."

"Cotton does breathe."

"Good, now go to Dublin and buy yourself another pair of pants. By the way, I could use some chlorine."

"We don't have a poo."

"The bloody uy one you selfish rich, scodfish!"


End file.
